i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
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She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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