you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
