I puked a lego.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
