the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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