god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
