well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
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Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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