It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
