I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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