i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
