cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
