Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
