Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
