I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
