I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
