Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
