you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
