you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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