Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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