I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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