when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
