So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
