LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
