I just cut my nipple shaving
there's paper in my vomit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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