Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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