I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
