I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
