I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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