Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
