I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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