help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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