I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
