you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
