AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
