Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
