Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
