youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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