Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just gift wrapped bread.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
