Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
