barbara walters just said penis...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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