I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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