They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
