y did u give ur computer a hand job?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
