Porn is love you can see.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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