I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
