At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Randomize
