wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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