I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
