Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
