I cannot find my penis.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
