i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
