she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
