I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
