i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
