Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
