at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
