I accidentally had phone sex last night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
